Finnish survey reveals unspoken struggles in sexless marriages: a deep dive into the causes and potential solutions

46-year-old Jukka has been in a sexless marriage for six years. He and his wife have not discussed why sex is absent from their relationship, and his wife has not directly communicated why she no longer desires it. The couple’s sexual activity gradually decreased six months into their relationship and stopped altogether six years into their 12-year marriage. Jukka admits the lack of intimacy brings him shame, a sentiment he hasn’t shared with friends due to its sensitive nature.

According to a survey by Finnish public broadcasting company Yle, Jukka is not alone. Out of over 600 respondents, both men and women, about 80 reported that their lack of sexual activity was not a mutual decision. The most common reasons for sexlessness were a partner’s lack of desire, health-related issues, and the stress of everyday life.

Advanced-level sex therapist Marja Kihlström often asks her clients if they still desire their partners. If the answer is “yes,” they can start working on reigniting their desire. If the answer is “no,” it’s time to consider whether the relationship should continue as a sexless one, morph into an open relationship, or end entirely.

According to Kihlström, some common reasons for a lack of desire can be trauma or undisclosed sexual preferences. It can also be that the partner is no longer sexually attractive, or that sex is not satisfying. At the beginning of a relationship, mediocre sex may be tolerable, but over time, it may not suffice.

Jukka believes the cessation of sex in his relationship is due to different preferences between him and his wife. He states that at the beginning of their relationship, their sexual activities were largely based on his preferences, which he later realized were not enjoyable for his wife.

Kihlström advises that one of the most common reasons for a lack of desire is a missing emotional connection with a partner. This is particularly common among women. If there is difficulty expressing emotions or if one has grown up in a harsh and demanding environment, it may not be easy to understand what the other person means. Trust and connection with a partner are like a bridge to desire and pleasure.

Kihlström also points out that becoming a parent can have a significant impact on one’s sex life. Pregnancy and childbirth can be very significant events in a woman’s sexual history. The way a partner treats and touches during pregnancy can have a big impact. For men, becoming a father can often cause feelings of being lost and feeling left out.

Despite the lack of sex in his relationship, Jukka does not want to have extramarital affairs or divorce his wife. He states that there is no reason to separate as they have a shared home and get along well. However, he doesn’t believe the situation will change, even though he wishes it would.